Wednesday, August 19, 2015

No Longer the Same

Reading over my blog this morning, and in quite a lot of shock. I can't believe how much I have changed.

With no updates since October 2013, I can tell you that almost nothing is the same anymore. That last update was just the beginning of my life goal of healing myself. Healing myself from many things. I was not able to keep up the raw food diet, although, in my heart I am still a raw vegan. Maybe someday I can return there, but for now, I have been lovingly dubbed "flexitarian." I don't eat meat except in extenuating circumstances, and I try to eat lots of fruits and vegetables. Same goes for my family when eating at home. Judah is sugar intolerant (I've decided it's a thing) so we avoid sugar to the best of our ability, and we eat a mostly plant based diet. I really really want to kick the casein addiction, but perhaps I will do that another year.

But more than the diet is different. In fact, I have learned how much the diet doesn't really matter when looking at a person. In 2013, I was trying everything to make myself feel better. Shortly after my diets and cleanses and realizations that things just weren't getting better, or not as much better as I needed, I finally sought help from "professionals" who I had been avoiding. My primary care doctor did blood tests and confirmed that nothing was wrong with me. Maybe I had allergies. So I got allergy tests done, and I was not allergic to anything. This was not news to me. But at the allergist office, there was a naturopath. I am so grateful she was there, because with a blood test, she found a HUGE piece of the puzzle that I was missing. It was a piece that most Western doctors don't even know about. It explained so much about all the things I had been struggled with over the past several years, mostly since the birth of Taylor. It all came down to vitamin deficiencies and my body's inability to absorb necessary nutrients.

How simple is that!

Not quite that simple. I began a regiment of vitamins and supplements which I took everyday for 3 months. At the end of this time, I realized that it was helping, but it wasn't resolving everything. There was the issue of the headache that I have had since 2010. I went to see a neurologist at Swedish Medical Center. She determined that I should take antidepressants.

What the hell!? Forget that. Thanks for nothing, Doc!

I was reaching the end of my rope, although I felt more empowered by the knowledge I was gaining from all the tests I was taking, I felt that there needed to be an extra push. A leap! An intention that would send me soaring! I would wake up everyday hoping that today I would feel better. Then at the end of the day, I would lay down and think that tomorrow would be better. Round and round it went. I thought that my genetic deficiency was something I would have to learn to live with, but the problem with this thinking is that I was living based on how I felt, instead of how I wanted to feel. I wondered, what if I just acted like I can do this or that? What if I can do what I want to do despite how I feel?

When I changed my mindset, suddenly those chains fell off! I didn't feel like getting up, but I did it anyway. Taking a hike seemed like so much energy and I wouldn't normally have the energy to get all the way thought, but I would tell myself, "I WANT to do this, so I will do it!" And then I would!

This may not seem profound to you, reader, but it was profound for me. I have lived in a bubble my whole life where I have been told to "wait on God," or "breakthrough is just around the corner," or "faith moves mountains," but I realized that this just wasn't true, at least not in my situation. It's as if I was waiting for an angel to come down and wave their magic wand, and I would feel better. After years of waiting of God and praying and praying and praying, I had to realize that He wasn't going to do anything. If I wanted something, I would have to do it myself. I was accountable to myself. If I was going to lay in bed for the rest of my life, then that would have been my decision, OR I could get off my ass and just do it!

So I went out and got a tattoo on my wrist that says "choose life," and everyday I have to look at it and decide to choose either life of death. I push myself to keep my life full of activity and enjoyment. I have pursued things I care about. I have taken time for self discovery. I have realized that I can do or learn anything! This year, I am going back to school to study Biology and chemistry. I am so excited! Even a year ago, I couldn't even consider this as a possibility for my life because I was so unhealthy in my body and mind. Now the world is open to me! The change of mind brought more healing to my mind and body than all the doctors, blood tests, and supplements.

I am not afraid of failure anymore. If I fail, it's because I was trying something. I was living. And if I die of cancer next month, I lived my life full of my family and with depth of soul.