Thursday, April 11, 2013

Reproach

Hello, faithful blog followers.

I have been reminded by several people in the past few weeks that I have not updated my blog in awhile. Of course, I knew it had been quite some time; probably 4 or 5 months. So when I finally logged on a few days ago and realizing that it has been almost an entire year, I felt quite the reproach. Not only is the neglect a dutiful reminder of my laziness, but also an insight into my head for the last year. Now that both children are at an age in which they need more attention than ever, the minutes devoted to myself everyday could probably be counted in fingers and toes. On a good day, I am lucky to sip an entire cup of tea without it getting cold, or to actually plate food for myself. It is commonplace to see me eating straight out of the pot of macaroni as I walk through the kitchen (on my way to reheat that cup of tea.) I eat breakfast no more than once a week.

Unfortunately, my lifestyle as of late has made me extremely egocentric. I'll have a fleeting thought that I should take some food to my friend who just had a baby. So I look up her status update on Facebook to learn that the baby is almost two months old now. Oops. My life is going by so quickly, yet it feels so slow. I can wash all the laundry in the entire house in one day, and it seems that it all needs to be washed again two days later. Of course, if I sit and think about it, all that laundry was done over two weeks ago. Oops. Friends and relatives say, "Oh, you're just so busy," but really, I'm not. It's just that my life is tedious. Feeding, wiping, organizing, washing, folding, disciplining, playing, and teaching the same things everyday gets so monotonous that all my days blend together. I rarely know what day it is off the top of my head, even though we haven't gone out all week. So I'm not "busy," but more appropriately termed "mentally unavailable."

To those of you feeling like I don't have time for you, you're right. When I feel that I am constantly playing catch up with my household duties, it's true that I am not thinking of you at all. It's not that I don't care. If you work yourself into my line of sight, I will genuinely care about you and think about you and tell myself to call you this week, but I'll get back home, and dinner is not going to make itself. You'll slip back into the deep recesses of my subconscious. Chances are I think about you several times a week, and maybe even have good intentions to call you or help you with your bake sale, but I hardly have the capacity to sip my cup of tea.

Maybe next year.

1 comment:

Kat said...

I really love you and understand. It sounds like you need a vacation!