Sunday, November 6, 2011

Spilling of My Soul

There's not too much going on in life right now, however, there is an awful lot going on in my head. Here are the few things spilling out of my soul as of the moment.

I love coffee!!

Ahem. Excuse me. Although that being part of my soul, there are deeper, more pressing matters.

I am reading the book "Drawing Near" by John Bevere. (Any Christians who had read this book probably know what's coming.) I'm only about half way done, but there is a lot of meat to chew on, therefore I am taking it slowly. I picked up the book in the first place because I know that as of late, my spiritual life has been lacking. All of my Christian living has been from my head and not my heart. The good news is that I am aware that I need more of the heart of Christ. My greater fear would be ignorance, and I would continue in my sin, but the Holy Spirit keeps me aware that I have been ignoring Him, and that is a great mercy to me. I haven't been "backsliding" persay. I still serve the church, give tithe, feed the poor, teach my children in the way, and live rightly, but I fear that I have- or will become- a clanging symbol.

Most of my strife comes from a deeper issue that I have struggled with for years. I didn't properly address the problem when it first arose, and it has taken me this long to finally get my act together and repent of my laziness. Ever since my college days, I have battled with viewing the Word of God as truly inspired by God. Pastors and teachers and friends point to it as complete truth and it seems alive to them. I remember feeling that way once, long ago, but it fell away. Don't misunderstand, I still trust God and have always trusted God, but I do not trust man, and man is who wrote the scriptures. It has been translated and retranslated and rearranged and lost and found and books were removed and replaced and added and retranslated again. Why could I believe that this Book was to be revered as God's Word?!

Now I, lending more to science than faith, looked for answers in archaeology and the like, to prove to myself that the Word could be trusted, but it did not work (because this was disobedient to what God is still teaching me.) I have always loved the scientific side of the Bible, but all the while, God was trying to draw me to Himself, and He can't be held in science alone. What I truly desired, was to open the scriptures, and to have them come alive in my spirit. I craved going to church to hear my pastor preach because for him, the Word is ALIVE! Alone in my room, the Word was dull and meaningless.

Finally, I realized that I have not been drawing near to God Himself. I've been aloof to the prodings of the Spirit and to God's will. God revealed to me that the Word cannot be alive in my Spirit, if He is not alive in my heart. (I had not forgotten Him, but reading His Word is part of His commands.) I had stopped reading the Bible all together, because it felt so useless, but that was sin. I was giving up. I was deafening His voice by not continuing to do what was right simple because I wasn't receiving gratification. Read My Word anyway! He seemed to be telling me.

So I have. I'm not where I desire to be yet, but like everything in the Christian walk, it is a process. I have repented of my sin (recognizing it as sin also helps to bring correction) and am on the road to recovery as it were. I'm still mulling over the words in John Bevere's book, taking it little by little. I have to show God that I am willing to chase Him rather than give up because I am receiving nothing from Him.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for Your conviction in my heart!

And that is only one thing on my heart. The other is more of an annoyance. We have some new neighbors who moved here during the summer. They have 2 (almost 3 in a few more weeks) kids close to my kids ages. They've been playing in the culdesac and getting along well, so I went and introduced myself to the parents, but they seem uninterested and even stand-offish. ?! They moved from St. Louis, so you'd think they'd be grateful for new friends, especially neighbors with children. Whenever the kids play outside, I go down with Judah (who still needs supervision) and play with all of them. I'll pull the wagon ride, or be the pitcher, but the parents will never come outside. I waved at the mother while we were both out grabbing the mail, and she pretended to not see me.

It's so frustrating! I suppose it wouldn't bother me that much, but I feel that this is a pattern. When I go to the grocery store, nobody is kind to each other. Nobody will make eye contact or ask for help. Nobody is looking out for anybody anymore. It's like all goodwill towards each other has disappeared, and everyone is too self involved to give a crap about you. The little boy down the street also told me that His dad hates the Bible (brought up when I mentioned church), so what am I supposed to do with that information? It breaks my heart. So I'll make them Christmas gifts and put our picture in it, and try to show them some goodwill in hopes they'll let down their guard a bit. But why should it be so hard to help your neighbors?

Well, that's enough rambling for now. I could probably write a short book with all my thoughts, but I do have laundry to do.