Friday, November 19, 2010

Quieter Time

I am looking forward to some quieter time this evening. I say "quieter" because it won't be completely quiet. My parents are taking Judah for the weekend, so Ricky and I can just relax. My dad asked if we had big plans, but our plans are to not have plans. We will still have the baby since she is such a baby. She still won't take a bottle, so we are stuck with her until she is weaned. It will be just us and the baby.

It's funny that I call her "the baby." I think I use that term more than her actual name. I am so frazzled all week that I don't ever get to just enjoy her and learn about her personality, so most of the time, she just feels like a baby rather than my daughter.

I went out to the mall with my grandma today, and she just loved playing with Taylor and bouncing her, and it reminded me of when Judah loved to be bounced. But I loved doing that with him, and have never stopped to enjoy that with her. Perhaps some time alone will help that, without Judah needing so much playtime. He is such a good kid, but he just needs constant attention.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Two Halves

It's as though I can feel my two halves fighting. They cannot agree on anything, except that I need more sleep.

I have been having a rough few weeks, or possibly months. There is some family drama going on that feels like little pricks all over my soul. (That sounds more profound than it is.) We had to kick my brother out of the house, which is the heaviest burden on my mind right now. He just doesn't want to change, or even grow up. That's his choice of course, but things always look more clear from the outside of the situation. I understand how he must be feeling, but he doesn't understand how we are feeling.

Taylor is still being such a baby. I am losing my mind slowly with her. I just wish that she would stop crying and start being more independent. It's not completely her fault (I try to remind myself.) Ricky and I were so spoiled with Judah. Judah was ahead of the game mentally before it had even started. He has always been good natured and was rarely needy. And now I am having a hard time dealing with a baby that needs me ALWAYS. It's frustrating.

My problems are mostly mental. I am tired of being tired, and I it's difficult to focus on the positive parts of my life, which is why I said at the beginning that I can feel both halves fighting. On the one side, I am super excited about the holidays coming up. I have most of my shopping done and I am already planning what to have for breakfast on Christmas morning. I have lots of stocking stuffers, and stockings, and wish lists, and trip plans all ready to go. I love this season. Even the weather isn't getting me down! But when the kids are screaming and I am trying to get lunch ready and my kitchen is a mess and I haven't vacuumed in several weeks, I get overwhelmed.

Darn this estrogen! I hate being a woman.