Friday, June 11, 2010

Getting Past Week 2

I forgot how hard this was the first time.

I feel that I am handling it better than the last time, but I am convinced that God makes us forget the hard parts on purpose. Seriously, I have everything going for me. My hubby gets to stay home for an entire month! My recovery has been way faster than last pregnancy and delivery, and I am not feeling "completely" drained of energy. However, I still have an emotional struggle that is hard to get over.

First of all, breastfeeding is hard. It takes a lot of time and energy and patience to breast feed. It's best for baby, and I know that, which is why I tough it out, but that doesn't mean it's any easier. The routine gets really monotonous as well. You have to constantly watch the clock; feed every 2-3 hours, 15 minutes this side, 15 minutes that side. It usually goes longer than that however, with a diaper change in between, and sometimes, several diaper changes.

Secondly, I am having a hard time with naps for myself. Ricky will have Judah under control, and I have a chance for a nap while the baby is sleeping, but I just can't sleep. I sleep just fine at night, but during the day, my mind is in constant motion and I have trouble relaxing enough to drift off for a snooze. If I can hear Judah playing downstairs, or if my father-in-law is working on the house, or if there's a meal coming up soon, then I just can't sleep. I have almost given up on daytime naps, which leaves me with only interrupted nighttime sleep. I am doing alright, but I know it will catch up with me, and before I know it, I'll be on the edge of a breakdown. Of course, coming out of the 3rd trimester of pregnancy, I wasn't getting much sleep anyway, so I suppose my body is somewhat used to the sleeplessness.

Ricky is always offering to feed her at night, which I am grateful for here and there, but for the most part, it's up to me. I have the equipment, and if I go too long without feeding her, then I am in pain and wake up anyway, so I may as well feed her when the time comes.

I don't lie on this blog, so I'll say it here. I am having a harder time bonding than I thought I would. I felt pretty detached the entire pregnancy. With Judah, it was so new and exciting and we couldn't wait to be parents. Now that we are past that stage and having the second child, it's lost all the magic. It's not that we don't love her, but all the "ooh's" and "ahhh's" are gone, and I don't find myself bursting at the seems with how cute she is. It only seems normal, and I'm sure that parents having their 4th or 5th child feel the same way, but I feel almost guilty about it. However, I need to keep reminding myself that it hasn't even been 2 weeks. We felt much better after week 2 with Judah, so my goal is to get past week 2. Who knows? Maybe after that, everything will change. I sure hope so.

In other news, Judah spent the weekend with his grandparents which was a huge blessing for Ricky and I. We love him to death, but he takes a lot of energy, and it was nice to have some more time to focus on setting a routine for Taylor and just relaxing between feedings. Judah had a great time too. He went to the zoo and did all kinds of fun things.

1 comment:

Sarah Jinright said...

Dear Rosemary,

You don't know me. My name is Sarah Jinright--I'm 32, mother of two, live in SC, a believer, and found your blog by accident a while back. I enjoyed the honesty of your writing style, being a writer myself.

I just wanted to encourage you as having been there twice--boy first, then girl--I understand what you're passing through and want to encourage you.

First of all, breastfeeding is all the things you describe it as, but worth it. You are doing what you can and coping how you can. Writing it down has always helped me vent, so that is probably a very positive thing for you too. Don't let yourself feel isolated and alone now. That is one of Satan's best ploys. Be very honest with God and your husband about how you are feeling.

So far as the bonding goes, it took me much longer to form that special attachment with my daughter as well, but she is almost two now, and I can honestly say, there is no ball of bows and sunshine on this planet that I am more attached to than Maggie. It will come, and your emotions don't help right now. WORRYING about your emotions (or lack thereof) definitely will not help. =)

In regards to sleeping during the day; I currently take care of six children under four (recently had a plain old nervous breakdown, so please don't think I'm wonder-woman or any nonsense like that), and when my hubby is home and I have that rare opportunity for a nap, I have the same problem. The only thing I have found that works for me, is counting backwards from 100 and visualizing each number so I can't think about anything else. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't--but there it is, for what it's worth.

I'm adding you to my prayer list and feel free to contact me. You sound like a great mom, and I know you're going to get through this with flying colors! Hang in there!