Friday, April 16, 2010

DISCLAIMER: Rantings of an exhausted, hormonal, pregnant female. Read at your own risk.

I am blogging because I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep because I hurt, physically and emotionally.

I know that I am probably just being irrational and not thinking clearly, but I need to vent a little, even if it's just to this computer screen.

We all have different ways of coping with stress, and that's not a bad thing. I am generally very understanding about letting people unwind, but most of the time I feel very alone in that trait. My head knows that I am supported, but my heart is telling me that I am just alone and have to complete the rest of these stressful, painful, formidable few months by myself. I am a wife and mother, and unfortunately, there is no break from that. There is no clocking out. There is no driving home. There is no calling in sick. There are no weekends. There is just me, still doing what I have to do regardless of how I am feeling or how well or badly the day went for the people around me. After Judah is in bed, the husband gets to unwind in his secluded office playing a video game, and I get the privilege to unwind by cleaning up after dinner, and doing the dishes. Could I have saved that chore for tomorrow? Yes, but it's harder to do with a toddler pulling at your leg, and sick 7 month old in the living room. Do my feet hurt? Yes. Are my legs cramping? Yes. Would I rather be hanging out with my husband and encouraging him about his crappy situation at work? Yes.

But instead, with nothing else to do, I took a mile walk to the nearest Starbucks, just so I could be out of the house. It was not an enjoyable walk, seeing as I am 7 and a half months pregnant, and I was alone, but at least I was out of the house. I was trying to prove something to myself. It was a long walk, and much to my surprise, no one even knew I had left.

It leaves me feeling like... I don't even know. Just lonely. Unattractive. Unnecessary. Isolated.

I look ahead to the next few months, and they look very bleak. My calendar is full of events and things to do, yet I know there is still something missing. I wish someone understood how I feel.

1 comment:

Bins said...

you are "just living".

This happens when life is monotonous.