It's getting harder and harder for me to keep my thoughts positive. I am getting frustrated about so many little things, and it keeps adding up and adding up. I don't feel that I have any relief from it.
With my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) in full swing, and trying to move out of our house, AND being pregnant, AND babysitting my niece, AND getting no good sleep, makes me to feel downright miserable all the time. There are so many things that I want to do, like exercise to get my nonexistent energy levels back to a reasonable level, or just take a freaking nap, or to go one week without feeling broke, or not having to hold back tears all day. I can't do any of these things. It is beyond frustrating, and I have to tell myself to "shut up" constantly just to keep from taking it out on my family.
It kind of makes it a lonely misery. If I talk to anyone about it, they just tell me that it will be over soon... gee, thanks. Or that I am just hormonal, as if I didn't know that already. And if I do talk about it often, I am just being negative, which I don't want either. I don't really understand how it should work. I mean, I should try to stay positive, but I shouldn't "bottle it up" either. It can't be both ways at the same time. This has been a lousy pregnancy, and I'm not even looking forward to being at the end of it. Judah seems to be entering the terrible two's ahead of schedule. We have to save every cent of extra cash that we can so that we can move into a house that we can barely afford so all "extras" are out of the picture. By "extras" I mean needed items that we have been putting off already. I have had a headache for the last week which is not reacting to medicine. Ricky's car might have just died and need to be fixed, and we're going to be eating top ramen for the next 2 months. That's just a little of it.
Doesn't sound so terrible, I know. I think it's harder for me because I have no energy to deal with these things mentally. Everything stresses me out, and I have no relief. Even when I try to pray, as God knows very well, I zone out after a few minutes because my mental energy is running on zero. I wish I had more for Him, since He's the only one that actually knows what I am dealing with, and who is understanding about it.
Anyway, the purpose of this post was to be positive, so here are the positive things in my life.
Ricky is not cheating on me. He's just a great guy in general.
We are going to have a backyard soon.
My list of needs may be long, but people in the next country over have raised children with less stuff and still survived.
Hormones suck, but they will go away in a year.
Top ramen isn't that bad.
I must constantly remind myself of a simple truth. Things may seem bad to me now, but even my situation is blessed compared to the many others whose situation is far worse in every aspect. This is nothing.