Saturday, August 22, 2009

More Ugh

Hasn't been the best week, and it's not going to get much better.

Ricky came home early yesterday so that we could just hang out together. Summer always does this to us. It get so busy with church, and friends, and family, and so despite the fact that Ricky and I are together 24/7, we don't actually have any time together to ourselves. We go from one thing to the next. We have a vacation coming up in a few days that will also combat that. So that has been good to see him some more.

Poor guy. He came home in hopes that he could go see his mom, which didn't work out, so we got that time together. His mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. What a huge cloud over the entire family. We all love her. I'm not sure I know of anyone who doesn't love her. Now there's that overwhelming question mark off in the distance with so many what-ifs. I talked about what-ifs in my last post, and it seems to be hanging over us all right now. I have felt for quite some time that God would be bringing a lot of change, not that this is what it was, but it's one more brick on the pile... a big brick.

I'm not quite sure how to handle this. Not quite sure how I am supposed to act. I want to stay positive, but being positive can sometimes feel patronizing. We also can't ignore the elephant in the room. It's hard for me to see Ricky dealing with this situation. He is trying to be positive, but he loves her so much. He talks about her all the time. And now his world is shaken. He's not only dealing with emotions about his mom, he's also dealing with emotions and fear about me, because I am also at a high risk for breast cancer. I wish there was a way to comfort him, but it will just come back to trusting God. What more can we humans do?

And beyond that, my dad is going to Alaska for 2 weeks, so I can't go visit him to get some encouragement, and I am still working at Pental for another month and a half, and Judah is still in daycare. I hope that this next month flies by so that I can be back at home. It's been the longest 2 months of my life... almost. :)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I feel like bleh

I have been having a hard past few days. I have been slightly sick, I hate being at work when I should be home with my son, and I am just overemotional in general. I don't know how some women deal with being that way all the time. I just had to cry last night, and poor Ricky was on the other side of the bed hoping he didn't do something wrong. I had to explain that it wasn't him, but it just felt good to cry. I just had to let out some pent up emotion about life. The fact that I wasn't feeling well, a bunch of "what-ifs" and not to mention that Judah has been less than cooperative with his attitude.

I don't think it's his fault. He may be teething AGAIN which is never fun. He is constantly fussy. We are also in the experimental phases of finding out whether he may be lactose intolerant and/or be allergic to wheat. I would really prefer if it was NOT the wheat. This has also been a point of tension because a non-lactose and non-wheat diet is very hard to cope with. It's expensive, and it would change what we all eat as a family. I am praying that whatever is causing the problem is reversed or corrected so that neither is the case.

I told my boss that I would be quitting for good as soon as Anne is back at work. That is one good thing happening right now, so I know there is no pressure afterwards. They have 2 months notice, so it's all on them now, and so I can leave without any bad tastes or otherwise. It's nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's can be calming to know that I can be a full time mom and have the weekends with my family. Poor Ricky has been a great sport watching Judah every Saturday for the last year. It will be nice to have Saturday back.

In the meantime, I am nervously awaiting news about something that might change a lot of things in our life (no, I am not pregnant...) and waiting is the least fun game in the world. I am trying not to let it get to me, and letting God worry about it. It's just adding one more brick to my pile. But I know things will look up soon; they always do.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Happy Birthday, Ricky!

Today Ricky is turning 24! We're going to Chantanee Noodle, Ricky's favorite restaurant to celebrate with the family. Happy birthday, Ricky! I love you!

In other news, the heat wave is over, and I now have to bring a coat to work. Only in Seattle can it drop 40 degrees in a few days. For crying out loud. Judah cut 4 molars within a few days. That explained why he had been crabby the last week. It was getting pretty frustrating, but my goodness, now I feel really bad for him.

Being back at work has been really hard for me, for more than just the fact that my job is really stressful, but I hate having Judah in daycare. I think about him all day and feel guilty about being at work. Everyone keeps telling me that "it's good for him" and "he's learning important social skills" both of which are true, but why do I still feel so guilty? I'm sure that most moms feel the same way, but they don't always have the option to not work, in which case I feel very sorry for them. I would hate to be in that position, if I had to work so that we could make the mortgage payment. I know that I'll probably feel the same way when our kids start preschool and kindergarten, but that's just part of life. It's just that no one can replace mom and dad, and I hate feeling like money is more important than my kid, ya know?

Anyway, I should get back to work now...