Saturday, June 20, 2009

Over Emotional

My heart hurts this morning.

I don't want to say I'm depressed, but I am feeling depressed. First of all, I have not had a full night's sleep in a month, but last night was particularly bad. Judah's schedule was all off because he was up super late, and so he woke up at 2 in the morning, screaming. After putting him back to bed, I had the hardest time falling back to sleep. Even once I did fall asleep, I had a series of really weird/terrible dreams. That always puts me in a funk when I have bad dreams. It leaves this fog in your brain, and when you have an emotionally painful dream, it's hard to just shake off.

Then, when I got my espresso this morning, there was a mom and her son outside the Starbucks. The mom was young, and kinda trashy, and her son was running around. She was smoking, which is especially hard for me to see. I feel such pain for parents that do that to their children. She's obviously hurting within herself, which is easy to read all over her face, and her body language, and the way that she treated her son. (If you have kids, you probably know what I am talking about.) You may see people in the grocery store, or anywhere really, and they may not be doing anything wrong, or mean, or anything like that, but you can tell from their general attitude and demeanor that they are not happy, and don't have that unconditional love and patience for their kids. It's a chore instead of a divine responsibility. But anyway, the kid just threw his cup on the ground instead of in the trash, and the mom didn't care, and she just sat there finishing her cigarette. I just wish that they would realize, or CARE how much they are defining the future of their child.

It just hurts me.

Like I mentioned before, it's not that the mom was doing anything particularly "wrong," but since I was already emotional this morning, it's easier to pick up on people's baggage and pain, and it kills me. She was probably single, which is why the kid was with her, so that is a crazy hard job, yet she is in bondage and can't live life the way she was meant to. These things are out of her control (for the most part) and they can't see things as clearly as us, who live in Christ. I wish that it had been another morning, because I would have gone out and talked to her, but of course [insert excuse] I had to get to work. I hate feeling helpless when you know you could help someone. It's the same when you have no cash when you are stopped by a homeless guy with a sign on the side of the road.

Sometime I feel guilty for having such a good life. It comes so easy, while everyone else is in a constant struggle.

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