Saturday, June 20, 2009

Over Emotional

My heart hurts this morning.

I don't want to say I'm depressed, but I am feeling depressed. First of all, I have not had a full night's sleep in a month, but last night was particularly bad. Judah's schedule was all off because he was up super late, and so he woke up at 2 in the morning, screaming. After putting him back to bed, I had the hardest time falling back to sleep. Even once I did fall asleep, I had a series of really weird/terrible dreams. That always puts me in a funk when I have bad dreams. It leaves this fog in your brain, and when you have an emotionally painful dream, it's hard to just shake off.

Then, when I got my espresso this morning, there was a mom and her son outside the Starbucks. The mom was young, and kinda trashy, and her son was running around. She was smoking, which is especially hard for me to see. I feel such pain for parents that do that to their children. She's obviously hurting within herself, which is easy to read all over her face, and her body language, and the way that she treated her son. (If you have kids, you probably know what I am talking about.) You may see people in the grocery store, or anywhere really, and they may not be doing anything wrong, or mean, or anything like that, but you can tell from their general attitude and demeanor that they are not happy, and don't have that unconditional love and patience for their kids. It's a chore instead of a divine responsibility. But anyway, the kid just threw his cup on the ground instead of in the trash, and the mom didn't care, and she just sat there finishing her cigarette. I just wish that they would realize, or CARE how much they are defining the future of their child.

It just hurts me.

Like I mentioned before, it's not that the mom was doing anything particularly "wrong," but since I was already emotional this morning, it's easier to pick up on people's baggage and pain, and it kills me. She was probably single, which is why the kid was with her, so that is a crazy hard job, yet she is in bondage and can't live life the way she was meant to. These things are out of her control (for the most part) and they can't see things as clearly as us, who live in Christ. I wish that it had been another morning, because I would have gone out and talked to her, but of course [insert excuse] I had to get to work. I hate feeling helpless when you know you could help someone. It's the same when you have no cash when you are stopped by a homeless guy with a sign on the side of the road.

Sometime I feel guilty for having such a good life. It comes so easy, while everyone else is in a constant struggle.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Simple Pleasure You Can't Measure

Life can't always be perfect. Actually, it's never perfect. We have frustrations, we are always learning something, we are always dealing with something, whether significant or insignificant. But Ricky, being the good husband and father that he is, has encouraged me to open my eyes to the little ways that God shows us he loves us and actually cares about the significant or insignificant things that are always on our mind.

For instance, a few weeks ago, I was doing my regular weekly grocery shopping trip. Judah was doing ok; not fantastic, but ok. I was slightly rushed that day because I had a few other errands to run, not to mention that I was pretty broke this month due to some unexpected expenses. At the time, Judah and I were still recovering from a cold, so some of the leftovers were hanging around. So I am on the way out to the car with a cart full of groceries, and I stopped to grab my sunglasses from my purse. A man walked over and said, "What a cutie you got there!" This is typical, seeing as how Judah is freakin' cute! "Oh, thanks!" I say with a smile. "How old is he?" the man continues to inquire. "Just about 10 months now," I reply, getting ready to slowly start rolling again. "Well, you are certainly blessed with a great kid," he adds, and then hands Judah a stuffed yellow butterfly that he just won out of a vending machine and then heads on his way. !!! "Thank you so much!" I called after him, to which he nodded his head in acknowledgment. It's like God was tugging on my arm whispering slow down. I could have easily showed uninterest in his questions since I was "rushed," but instead, God showed me how something small, like giving a stranger the time of day, can impact more things that you realize. Now that stuffed butterfly is in Judah's crib, and I'm going to keep it and explain to him once he's old enough, the lesson I learned that day in the grocery store.

Another simple pleasure is espresso. I admit, I am waaaaay too in love with a good white chocolate mocha, and I also admit that I have not been the best in sticking to my once-a-week when I go to work routine. I give in to my fleshly desires. But I really have been working hard this last month to exercise some self control in that area (and I have also been slightly broke.) Yesterday morning, it was the first thing on my mind. Mmmm, doesn't some coffee sound good my evil half whispered to my good half. Oooh, that does sound good as my good half began turning towards the dark side. And do you know what I did? I started planning my day out trying to figure out if I could go see my bro at work (he works at Starbucks) to see if I could bum a free latte. Then I was having this inner battle, no, Rosemary, you need to have some self control. You'll get coffee tomorrow morning. (I know some of you are reading this thinking that I'm crazy. Well, you'd be right.) I resolved after much dilemma that I would tough it out until tomorrow (Did I mention I was broke this month?) and that I would live without a latte. Not even 10 minutes later, my uncle called and asked if he could drop by for a short visit and bring me a - CHA CHING! - white chocolate mocha! To me, that was God saying I care about what you care about even though it's something as stupid as a latte.

It's amazing the little things that God does for us. It's also sad that many of these things can go unnoticed because we are so busy, so worried, or otherwise too wrapped up in ourselves to notice God's unconditional love. Think about a marriage, or any relationship, in which you show the other person you care. We do things for each other to show love, but not always in the traditional sense. When the hubby gets me a glass of water, he's saying that he loves me. When he reminds me to set my alarm for work in the morning, he's saying he loves me. But we can be too distracted to notice. So when God drops simple things in our lap to say He loves us, like when a new line opens at Costco so you don't have to wait a long time, or when someone tells you a funny joke, or when you run into an old friend and have a great chat, or when you catch every green light, or when your boss tells you what a great job you've been doing, these are all things from God just dropping hints that He really likes you.

So in turn, we should give out what we get. Next time you're in the grocery store, help someone find what they're looking for, or point out how cute their baby is, or just give someone a smile. You could be being God's unconditional love to someone else who needed it. Even letting someone in on the freeway who's driving like a maniac and flipping you off. You don't know what they went through that day, or in their life, so just be that unconditional love, because remember - you don't deserve it either. :)

So how does God show you He loves you with simple pleasures? Comment and let me know so that we can all work on keeping our eyes open to God working in our lives, even in small ways.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

You have to be a cat person to appreciate this...

Frustrated

Ok.

I'm frustrated.

Judah won't sleep. He won't take a nap. He won't go to bed without crying for an hour. He won't stay asleep for a healthy/normal amount of time. I am at my wit's end. I have tried several different approaches, none of which are working.

I am going to see the doctor on Monday, but that will be a waste of my time. I don't like doctors. He'll tell me that he's healthy and fine, and that he's just going through a phase, which is all code for "I have no idea wha's wrong with your kid."

I put Judah down for a nap, and he cried for an hour and half. ?!?! I can't believe it! He's never cried like that for a long time (with the exception of bedtime this last week.) I just don't know what to do with him.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Power Struggle

Who knew that a 10 month old knew how to have a power struggle.

I feel kinda bad because he is still not completely better from his cold, so I am hoping that it has not progressed to a sinus infection, or could possibly be something else (like UTI or ear infection). This kid will not go to sleep when he's supposed to, and he will not stay asleep for his usual amount of time. He used to sleep 12 hours at night, but now I'm lucky if I get 10 straight hours. It sucks bad.

When I put him down for a nap, he'll cry for 45 minutes, and mixed with standing up in his crib, it's nearly impossible to get him to sleep unless I stay with him (not an acceptable course of action) or he completely passes out from exhaustion. When he is awake, he is super needy and cries when I step out of the room to get a glass of water. I won't stay with him all day! He needs to play on his own, and I won't be that mommy that holds his hand through life and calls the teacher to score him some extra credit when he fails a spelling test! This has been going on for weeks. He is not sleeping too much during the day, and he won't sleep even when he is obviously tired. It's so frustrating for me, because I/we worked so hard to instill good sleeping habits, and this huge regression is totally deflating.

Not to mention it is exhausting to me as well. As Ricky commented on the previous post, I have not blogged much because I have had no time! He might take two 45 minute naps during the day. What kind of housework, or anything for that matter, can get done in that amount of time!? Sigh. The most important thing here is that I want to remain the parent who can control their child. I refuse to fall into the same rut that most parents do, in which they give in to their children, whereby causing the children to hate the parents and blame them for all of their problems in life. I want to stay strong!

But what is strong? Like I mentioned earlier, he may still be sick, in which case you want to be comforting. You don't want to punish him for something out of his control, while at the same time, what if he is manipulating me? I don't want to bend to that! How can I tell the difference?

I wish that being a mom had paid vacation time.