Thursday, September 11, 2008

God is in Control

I have been having the hardest time getting back to my old self. Not that I think I will ever go back completely to the way I was, since so much has changed. I want to have more energy and be able to have a normal conversation... one that doesn't involve motherhood or babies. I guess there's not much else for me to talk about, which is why no one ever talks to me about anything else. Will it be like that the rest of my life?

I want to fit into all my old clothes. It may be awhile (after breast feeding) for that to happen. I want to be smart again. I want to be more spontaneous. My husband and I used to be spontaneous all the time, but it is so much more difficult when you have to work around a feeding schedule, and you can't leave the baby anywhere without someone else to watch him. I want to feel young again. I want to sleep for as long as I want. I want my memory to come back. I never had the best memory, but when I got pregnant, I had a hard time remembering things. I was told that it would return, but so far, it hasn't. It always makes me feel like a moron when I forget something that happened last week, or a conversation from the day before. That must frustrate Ricky when he can't count on me to remember anything.

So many things changed; I feel defeated, like there's nothing I can do about it. My world is just spinning without me. Not in a depressing sense, but I feel out of control. I have this huge responsibility, and it's changed my life. I know that I probably just need to be patient and wait it out. I mean, this is what we were created for, so why wouldn't life get even better? God is in control.

No comments: