Monday, July 28, 2008

So we already know that I am a worthless blogger. But geez, I didn't think I was that bad. The last blog entry is awesome for a few reasons.
1)We never did end up getting that kitten. In fact, we just got one this last week (8 months later) 2)I posted the entry a few days before I found out I was pregnant!

I have done a lot in the last 8 months. A few highlights are being pregnant, having a baby, going to India, turning 21, little brother graduating from high school, and getting a new car. One of these is significantly more dominating than the others, which is why I am choosing to blog.

I have so many emotions (aka hormones) pumping through my veins right now, and it's hard to hold it all in. Even on paper or a keyboard, there's no way to sort it all out or make sense of any of it. What can I do? I would sit and cry for a day if I thought it would help, but I've done enough of that. I don't even know how I feel. I could tell you that I'm happy, and it would be true; I could tell you I'm angry, and that would also be true. I am thrilled beyond belief, yet I am frustrated with my life. I am completely overjoyed, but I also want to take it all back and start from the beginning. I find myself wailing inside that I'm not ready for this and I don't want it! Yet at the exact same moment, I am praising God for giving me such an amazing gift. Part of me wanted to wait longer, and the other half is glad we didn't, because any amount of time wouldn't have made a difference. You can never be "ready" for parenthood. I think it's simply God's way of pushing us out of the nest, because let's face it... we never would have jumped out on our own.

Do I make any sense?

I know I don't. Even as I sit here, I have to hold back tears. I can only think about my husband and how he feels. Does he love life more? Is he frustrated too? Does he wish we waited? Is he bored? Does he still think I'm beautiful? Is there anything I can do for him? I love him so much. I love him more than life. I love him more than anything. Every time I look at him I want to cry. He doesn't know that. I love everything about him, and I know that I truly don't deserve him. We don't deserve salvation, yet we find ourselves with it. It's the same thing with him. Why does he even love me...? I'll never know.

So here we are with our new child. A baby boy, and the greatest thing we could have ever asked for. I wasn't ready for this, and I am having to completely trust God to get me, us, through this. It will get easier, but it seems so far away. My life feels like it's at a stand still. But we'll have to move on. I have to keep reassuring myself that people have been doing this for thousands of years, and they had it MUCH harder than I do.

I need to be patient. It will get better, and I'll come down off of my emotional high and hopefully see things with a little more logic. But for now, I will just love Judah, and I will love my husband.

Judah James Ochs
July 21st, 2008
7 lbs 1/2 oz, 20.5 inches