Saturday, November 10, 2007

An old friend showed up at church on Sunday. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life, but it most definetly wasn't. To be honest, I look for her every Sunday, so I should have been extatic when she actually showed. I would rather forget about her; have her call me 5 years from now when she has a kid, and is living with some guy with a dead end job at the movie theatre.

It's better than living with the guilt that I pushed her away, or wondering what would have happened if I never got married, or that I never should have gone to Costa Rica, or what if I actually got up the nerve to kick her out of the wedding party. At least there would have been more closure. If I had done that then I wouldn't have to deal with her just deciding not to return my calls, or blatantly lying to my face. "Yes I broke up with him" Not. "I quit smoking" Not. I still love God" Not.

What made you think that I didn't want to still be your friend? I might not be able to trust you, but I still love you. I think about you every day. And now I know that you hated me this whole time. You hate everything that I stand for. So I'll stay out of your life if you stay out of mine.

Lord, change my heart.

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