Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Life is just beginning

When I was in Junior high and High school, I had so many plans and so many ideas of what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to go. But once I reached that point where I could reach out and take it, I inadvertently recognized that it was not what I wanted. To my dismay, I was trapped by the dreams that I no longer dreamed. I had assumed that it was what I wanted because I had spent over half my life being pushed that direction. It seemed that my future was set in stone. The life that I had prepared for for so long came crashing down on my head, of my own deliberate choice, and I felt worthless because of it.

Funny how life never goes the way you want it to. There are times when it does, but never exactly how you pictured it, especially when you decide to go an entirely different direction. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to work in the medical field, as a nurse, or a surgeon. I took running start my Junior year of high school so that I could start working toward that goal as quickly as possible. But somewhere between that time, and when I graduated, things changed. I didn't really have the passion for medicine anymore. I just did not want to do that with my life, but I had shot myself in the foot, because it had never really occurred to me to think of what else I might like to do.

The truth is, I had no idea what I wanted to do. In fact, I still don't know what I want to do. I am still figuring that one out. Does that make me a failure? I felt that it did for so long. I felt like I was no one special. That is until God brought me something out of no where that has changed my life, and is still changing my life drastically.

He brought me a husband. It was absolutely and completely unexpected, yet it is the most wonderful and fulfilling thing that has ever happened in my entire life. I was no where near looking for him, yet he was there in front of me, and he simply fell into my lap without warning.

I'm not quite sure what he saw in me. After all, I was a college drop out with no idea what I wanted to do with my life, whereas he is working for one of the most successful businesses in the world making more money than my mom and dad put together. He was building computers when I was learning how to write in cursive. He's was running his own business at 18 years old, while I was running a cash register. He was teaching a Microsoft certification class while I was babysitting. The list goes on. It would seem that I wasn't good enough for him, but somehow, he loved me, and I loved him, and there was no doubt that we would spend the rest of our lives together.

We started dating when I was 18, and got married when I was 19, and there was a lot of maturing during that time, yet at the same time, it feels like nothing had changed. I have an idea of what I am interested in which is a start. We have been married less than a month, and I am looking for a job while he is at work making bank. I hate not having a job, yet I feel so much more peaceful in spite of that. I have someone supporting me and pushing me along. A friend, a sidekick, a comrad that I can rely on. I no longer feel unworthy for not being who I wanted to be a few years ago, but I feel more love than I ever thought possible while I discover my dreams. Although those dreams are not yet apparent, they are being drawn out of my soul, which is something I never could have done alone.

Who would have thought that I would get married so young? Who would have thought that I would have unveiled true love and life after burying it? Who would have thought that my life would begin where many thought it was ending? I never would have.

So here I am, beginning again; real life is unfolding. I found my life when I gave it to someone else.


Kat said...

You're a very eloquent and soulful writer. I love seeing into your soul.

You're special and I love that I have a new daughter who obviously truly loves my son.

Don't worry about what you want to be when you grow up. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Keep your eyes focused on the Lord and He'll direct you best!

Rachel said...

This is so beautifully written. I love how real you are in all of your posts. You don't try to butter things up, you just write what you feel (at least that's what I sense).
It's refreshing reading something written when you were in the same place as I am now and how God provided for you in a way you didn't expect. It gives me hope to look for unexpected gifts from Him and to give Him the control of my life. You have given me a new perspective on marriage as well, thank you. :)

Rachel Sanford