Sunday, February 25, 2007

Last week I was at a women's conference at my church. That's good. The worship kinda sucked. That's bad. A friend from church has been showing alot of interest in wanting to become closer friends. That's an answer to prayer! I have been wanting to become closer with this particular girl for a long time because she is exactly what I would want in a friend. She loves God and isn't up and down about it, and she isn't a complete moron ruining her life! This is something I have to latch on to.

You see, ever since junior high, I have had this pattern with my close friends. Except for one really close friend that I can think of, all of them have ended up going to way of the world and messing up their lives by rejecting God. I have lost too much sleep crying for my friends and my heart has been broken for them more times then I can count. I need someone who can lift me up rather than pulling me down. My husband, of course, will always do that for me, but we both still need friends as well as each other.

My most recent friend that I lost broke my heart so bad that I am almost scared to make new friends, even though I know that I need to and that God wants me to. Someone who I can be transparent and vulnerable with who will give me godly advice. This girl from church is an answer to prayer because she follows God with all her heart. I won't have to worry about her changing over night when I go on vacation. She is accountable to everyone in her life, not just to me (a mistake I made with my last friend that I don't plan on making again).

Praise God. :)

In other news, my husband and I are going to go see that new movie "Amazing Grace" today, so that should be fun. The only thing that would make this day better is Papa Murphey's!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

It's just a cat... right?

My entire life, I never really played over this in my head; the possibility of letting go of a pet. My family had to a few years ago. It was absolutely one of the hardest decisions to make. The family cat, Jeffery, was having digestive problems, and we had to put him down. It is so etched in my brain that I can still remember the smell in the room when I had to watch him slowly drift away.

It's heart wrenching.

Christmas of 1992, ( I was 5 years old) I got the best Christmas present that I have ever recieved to date. It was a little ball of fur, and it was mine. She was named Tickle and she has stayed and slept with me almost every night since then, discluding when I have been away. We share a bond just like every other owner probably has with their pet, but there is just one more peice that we share.

That next year, my birth mother died, and I have felt that Tickle has been my last connection with her. That may sound silly, but this is how I have felt about Tickle for a very long time. I'm not sure when that emotion started, or why it started, but it's just there none the less. To lose Tickle would be to lose a peice of myself, and it is me standing over myself telling them to do so.

Looking at it rationally, I most likely have too much of a bond with this cat, and it would be best for me for that bond to be severed. After all, it is just a cat... yet at the same time, you can't just let go that easily. I have had this cat for almost 15 years. That's slightly less time then I have had my little brother around! How do you just let go? How can you tell me this is just a cat?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Life is just beginning

When I was in Junior high and High school, I had so many plans and so many ideas of what I was going to do with my life and where I was going to go. But once I reached that point where I could reach out and take it, I inadvertently recognized that it was not what I wanted. To my dismay, I was trapped by the dreams that I no longer dreamed. I had assumed that it was what I wanted because I had spent over half my life being pushed that direction. It seemed that my future was set in stone. The life that I had prepared for for so long came crashing down on my head, of my own deliberate choice, and I felt worthless because of it.

Funny how life never goes the way you want it to. There are times when it does, but never exactly how you pictured it, especially when you decide to go an entirely different direction. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to work in the medical field, as a nurse, or a surgeon. I took running start my Junior year of high school so that I could start working toward that goal as quickly as possible. But somewhere between that time, and when I graduated, things changed. I didn't really have the passion for medicine anymore. I just did not want to do that with my life, but I had shot myself in the foot, because it had never really occurred to me to think of what else I might like to do.

The truth is, I had no idea what I wanted to do. In fact, I still don't know what I want to do. I am still figuring that one out. Does that make me a failure? I felt that it did for so long. I felt like I was no one special. That is until God brought me something out of no where that has changed my life, and is still changing my life drastically.

He brought me a husband. It was absolutely and completely unexpected, yet it is the most wonderful and fulfilling thing that has ever happened in my entire life. I was no where near looking for him, yet he was there in front of me, and he simply fell into my lap without warning.

I'm not quite sure what he saw in me. After all, I was a college drop out with no idea what I wanted to do with my life, whereas he is working for one of the most successful businesses in the world making more money than my mom and dad put together. He was building computers when I was learning how to write in cursive. He's was running his own business at 18 years old, while I was running a cash register. He was teaching a Microsoft certification class while I was babysitting. The list goes on. It would seem that I wasn't good enough for him, but somehow, he loved me, and I loved him, and there was no doubt that we would spend the rest of our lives together.

We started dating when I was 18, and got married when I was 19, and there was a lot of maturing during that time, yet at the same time, it feels like nothing had changed. I have an idea of what I am interested in which is a start. We have been married less than a month, and I am looking for a job while he is at work making bank. I hate not having a job, yet I feel so much more peaceful in spite of that. I have someone supporting me and pushing me along. A friend, a sidekick, a comrad that I can rely on. I no longer feel unworthy for not being who I wanted to be a few years ago, but I feel more love than I ever thought possible while I discover my dreams. Although those dreams are not yet apparent, they are being drawn out of my soul, which is something I never could have done alone.

Who would have thought that I would get married so young? Who would have thought that I would have unveiled true love and life after burying it? Who would have thought that my life would begin where many thought it was ending? I never would have.

So here I am, beginning again; real life is unfolding. I found my life when I gave it to someone else.